Ever had a series of tough times plague you that you begin to question your existence? Well that had been me a while ago. Since I was a kid I had always been an overachiever, a performer, a happy-go-lucky child. Yet there I was years down the line with nothing much to show for the entire while I had spent filling my brain with knowledge. I had become a recluse, spending my days indoors after opting out of work to raise my son- thanks to multiple disappointing encounters with nannies. Meeting up with friends became a major pain and I chose to avoid doing so. I mean, everyone in my circles seemed to have everything going for themselves. We no longer had anything in common and having to listen to their countless plans while I had none made me shrink further into my shell. The solitary housewife shell.With time the calls waned, so did the meet-up requests, probably because they knew what my all time excuses would be.
The one person meant to be my support system suddenly seemed to derive pleasure from belittling me at the slightest chance. I am never one to give up on people, I try to find even the smallest positive aspects of a person that redeems them. So I stayed. In doing so, I lost myself further, becoming an angry mess countering abuse with abuse. Lying in bed alone awake half the night trying to imagine how life would have been if I had made better choices. Listening out for the sound of a car pulling into the driveway only to be met by crickets.
I gradually found myself wanting to lie in bed and not wake up. If not for my Lekakeny, I would have done exactly that. I felt like a failure but could not talk to anyone because I was ashamed, I didn’t even know how to start especially to a family whose bond has always been nonexistent. Still I stayed. I lost my self worth. Felt ugly, both inside and out.
It had to take my life flashing before my eyes for me to snap out of my delusion. Off I went albeit with a broken brow bone, a blue-black body and an eye swollen shut for weeks. I was off to an unknown horizon, broken. Funny enough, the very friends I had kept at bay were the ones that helped pick me up. Slowly I learnt to love me again, rediscovered myself.
This year’s experiences have taught me a million things that I felt I should share especially with those that might be going through the same. Never burn bridges, you might need the same to cross over to the other side. No matter where others are, they should never be an SI unit of your failure or success. Wake up, show up. Whilst solitude is healthy once in a while in order to reflect on you, too much of it may mess your mind up.
Never give up on people, there’s always some good in them…but remember you are no doormat. People will always treat you how you let them. Remember to err is human so forgive forgive forgive no matter how it may hurt. Do not be ashamed of where you are, only be ashamed if you are there out of your laziness,work hard.
A friend told me to never be afraid of change, of walking away from all negativity. God may want to take you out of your comfort zone in order to bless you from elsewhere. I thought I had it bad until I stopped selfishly living in my world and began noticing the amount of suffering others around me go through daily. The moment you extend a helping hand to that stranger in need, that urchin lying dejected in a dump, your heart finds fulfillment and your soul gets lifted. You stop seeing yourself as worthless. You just might be on earth to be someone’s angel, for God to use you to answer their prayers.
This holiday and the days to follow, may you not forget your main duty as a human being…to help those in need. While you wallow in self pity, try look around and you will realise you are in a far much better place compared to others. Discover your strengths and use them to make the lives of others better. Remember depression is real so hit up that friend that went MIA, you never know just how much of a difference that would make. For everytime someone has done good to you,pay it forward. Live , love, laugh.